June 4th 2007 Posted at Blogging
Comments Off on The three secret rules for becoming a successful blogger!
Let’s face it some bloggers are more successful than others. For some reason some bloggers can become highly successful even when the quality of their writing isn’t great. How is this possible? Shouldn’t the blogosphere reward quality writing? Well it does reward quality writing but it also rewards other things as well! So without any further introduction here are the three paths to blogging success!
Given the astronomical rate of growth of internet access in China, you can’t go wrong with being Chinese. Please note you don’t actually have to blog in Chinese. John Chow does this when he blogs about his Toronto food posts which are typical more traditional Chinese dinners like the recent Mother’s Day at Kyung Bok Palace. This is going to attract Chinese readers – let’s face it, the dishes appeal to a specific ethnic group rather strongly.
Be a single attractive female aged 18-26
By being an attractive young female and making sure that your pictures are the usual flattering self portraits you will gather a horde of male readers who will try to get into your pants. Please note that you don’t have to actually take nude photographs of yourself. Remember you are selling the sizzle here, not the steak. So take pouty photographs and use them on your Mybloglog profile Here’s a perfect example Xiaxue. Xiaxue is an female Singapore blogger whose prose is mediocre at best but her blog is ripe with pictures of her in a various outfits. She hits two of our rules by being a single female and being Chinese! If you aren’t single, downplay your boyfriend/husband by writing about how he doesn’t understand you and your blogging needs. Remember you are playing on the hope that your readers secretly harbor of having sex with you. So talk about sex (how you ain’t getting any) or talk about a disagreement you had with your boyfriend. It can be an argument about pizza toppings but it needs to open the possibility of a break up so that your overwhelmingly male audience can dream of swooping you off your feet.
Please note this technique will only work if you are actually an attractive female. Using semi-naked chicks on your Mybloglog profile and being a guy might get you visitors but they aren’t going to become readers. They are going to be pissed and likely never return, thinking, “Man I was hoping I for a hot chick. Instead I got a Transblogger!”
A male blogger who uses female photographs (usually semi nude) in his profile and MyBlogLog community. Most of them cannot be bothered to actually maintain the illusion on the site as this would require multiple images and actually understanding how women think. Most Transbloggers have only seen photographs of women and never actually had a relationship with one.
Be a dick
Being a dick has certain drawbacks. As mortgage fraudster Casey Serin proved people love going to websites where they can hate a clearly clueless bi-polar nut case who will not take responsibility for his actions. Casey’s problem was once the houses go foreclosed, he had to think of increasingly idiotic behavior in order to get people to hate him. Once you go down the dark side your passage back is fraught with peril (unless of course you have an epiphany/get saved/attend an AA meeting/see a burning bush/a voice speaks from the deep and magically you change your ways. America LOVES redemption stories). This also opens the ability to become a dick again. You can fall, be redeemed, fall again and then have the final redemption. The great thing about this approach is that done properly you have about three years of blogging material. Here’s one way to execute on this idea. Start small with binge drinking/occasional heroin use. Then let that bloom into full time alcoholism/heroin addiction. Start treating everyone you blog about with disdain. Take no responsibility for your actions. In fact blame your spouse/parents/the system, anything but yourself. Remember people are coming here for the hate so Haterz are your friends. (Oh make sure you monetize the blog as you begin your turn to the dark side). Continue hating/drinking/heroin until you spiral down. Hit rock bottom. Have your epiphany. Then cue the Rocky soundtrack and make your comeback. Watch your Haterz cheer you on (becoming Supporterz) as you then make your comeback, making friends and getting saved/redeemed/rebuilt. Casey never figured this part out so his blog petered out when he couldn’t really admit he had a problem. Of course Casey really is nuts so it’s no surprise but you can execute on this strategy.
So with these three rules I predict the most successful new hit blog will be a single Chinese female with a drinking problem. In case you missed it, this is a humor post.
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